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May. 4th, 2017 06:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Dated Apr 27, 2017
Things got weird. First there was that whole thing with the hatching demon creatures. Cliff was right, I realized. This city never did anything small or safe. Getting Rachel moved into my apartment was easy, and I was glad to have her here.
Especially now.
Miles was gone. I knew he was gone, because I'd been looking for him, almost frantically, using any morph I could think of that would help me find him: I tracked his scent in dog and wolf morphs. I scouted his bedroom window in osprey and owl morphs. I used my seagull morph to blend into the cityscape to try to find him going to or from Darrow High, or his job, or even some crime scenes.
I even went to the vampires that had kidnapped me and tried to see if they'd somehow gotten him, this time.
He was nowhere. He was gone.
Now I knew how he felt, because I'd disappeared on him before. This was awful. I felt like a part of me had been cut out and hidden somewhere that I couldn't find it. Was that dramatic? In my better moments, it felt dramatic. In my worst, alone in my bed at night, curled up and trying not to cry, it didn't feel dramatic enough.
It was always hard to tell when someone really went missing from this city, I realized as I poured Rachel and me bowls of Auspicious Trinkets — auspiciously delicious! — for breakfast. Jessica had given me Snowflake (given her back, technically), and she and Pangur were watching me from the corner of the counter. I was glad they got along so well, at least. I wondered how long Snowflake had noticed Miles was gone. But it had been three days since he missed our date, and I'd skipped school to try to find him, the way that he'd tried to find me when the vampires took me. So I knew he'd been gone at least three days. But what if it had been longer? How could I be sure? We didn't text every single day.
Was I a bad girlfriend?
I gasped when something cold splashed against my hand, and realized I'd just over-filled one of the cereal bowls and gotten milk everywhere.
Something inside my swelled and bubbled up my throat. At first, for a single heartbeat, I thought I was going to be sick.
Then I screamed "Fuck!" and slammed the milk on the counter, splashing more. Pangur and Snowflake scrabbled off the counter and under the coffee table in the living room, and I backed away from my mess like I could back away from my feelings. I didn't stop until my back hit the fridge, and then I sagged down, curling up on the floor.
Things got weird. First there was that whole thing with the hatching demon creatures. Cliff was right, I realized. This city never did anything small or safe. Getting Rachel moved into my apartment was easy, and I was glad to have her here.
Especially now.
Miles was gone. I knew he was gone, because I'd been looking for him, almost frantically, using any morph I could think of that would help me find him: I tracked his scent in dog and wolf morphs. I scouted his bedroom window in osprey and owl morphs. I used my seagull morph to blend into the cityscape to try to find him going to or from Darrow High, or his job, or even some crime scenes.
I even went to the vampires that had kidnapped me and tried to see if they'd somehow gotten him, this time.
He was nowhere. He was gone.
Now I knew how he felt, because I'd disappeared on him before. This was awful. I felt like a part of me had been cut out and hidden somewhere that I couldn't find it. Was that dramatic? In my better moments, it felt dramatic. In my worst, alone in my bed at night, curled up and trying not to cry, it didn't feel dramatic enough.
It was always hard to tell when someone really went missing from this city, I realized as I poured Rachel and me bowls of Auspicious Trinkets — auspiciously delicious! — for breakfast. Jessica had given me Snowflake (given her back, technically), and she and Pangur were watching me from the corner of the counter. I was glad they got along so well, at least. I wondered how long Snowflake had noticed Miles was gone. But it had been three days since he missed our date, and I'd skipped school to try to find him, the way that he'd tried to find me when the vampires took me. So I knew he'd been gone at least three days. But what if it had been longer? How could I be sure? We didn't text every single day.
Was I a bad girlfriend?
I gasped when something cold splashed against my hand, and realized I'd just over-filled one of the cereal bowls and gotten milk everywhere.
Something inside my swelled and bubbled up my throat. At first, for a single heartbeat, I thought I was going to be sick.
Then I screamed "Fuck!" and slammed the milk on the counter, splashing more. Pangur and Snowflake scrabbled off the counter and under the coffee table in the living room, and I backed away from my mess like I could back away from my feelings. I didn't stop until my back hit the fridge, and then I sagged down, curling up on the floor.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-08 04:24 pm (UTC)"Hey, Cas?" He knocks. "Cassie?"
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Date: 2017-05-08 04:31 pm (UTC)There was no point in crying over spilled milk, right?
I pushed myself to my feet and opened the door.
"I think Rachel's still sleeping," I said. My voice wobbled, just a little, and I felt my chin follow suit.
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Date: 2017-05-08 05:09 pm (UTC)"Baby, what's wrong?" asks Jack, stepping into the apartment and gently closing the door behind him before he pulls her into his arms, against his chest.
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Date: 2017-05-08 05:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-08 06:31 pm (UTC)"Oh, hey. Cassie." Jack's arms tighten around her when she starts to cry and he frowns, resting his cheek against the top of her head. "Honey. What happened?"
His gut tightens. Someone has to be gone. It has to be something like that. It's always something like that around here.
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Date: 2017-05-08 06:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-08 07:46 pm (UTC)It's not Jack's style to tell lies, to say things that are easy just because they make things softer. He rests his cheek against Cassie's hair, and he rubs her back and he holds her tight.
"I'm sorry, Cassie," he says softly. "I'm really sorry. What do you need? What can I do?"
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Date: 2017-05-08 07:51 pm (UTC)"I just—" I shook my head, trying to get the words out. "Don't want to be alone."
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Date: 2017-05-09 08:09 am (UTC)"You don't have to be," he says, softly. "I'm here. Poison and Jillie know where I am. You've got me, okay? I'm here. For whatever you need. C'mon. Let's go lie down."
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Date: 2017-05-09 11:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-10 05:59 pm (UTC)"I'll do it," he says, gently. "Go get back in bed and I'll come in. We can watch a movie or something?"
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Date: 2017-05-10 10:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-11 07:16 am (UTC)Jack cleans up the mess in the kitchen and then he slips his boots off and pads into Cassie's room. At first, he just perches on the edge of the bed. "Which movie do you want to watch?"
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Date: 2017-05-12 08:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-13 11:09 am (UTC)Jack gets everything sorted with the movie and then he comes to sit back on the bed, legs drawn up, his hand resting lightly on Cassie's shoulder.
"You're going to be okay, Cas," he says, softly.
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Date: 2017-05-13 02:13 pm (UTC)He had to be right.
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Date: 2017-05-14 12:58 pm (UTC)Jack tries really hard not to think about what will happen if he ever wakes up and finds Poison gone. He tries not to think about what will happen then. He shifts so that he can curl one arm around her shoulders, playing with the ends of her hair.
"You've just got to keep moving until you're through it, Cas."
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Date: 2017-05-15 12:44 pm (UTC)Everything felt heavy, though. How was I supposed to keep moving when everything felt so heavy?
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Date: 2017-05-15 08:55 pm (UTC)He can't really do anything other than be here for her, be solid, be present. He curls his fingers in her hair, drops a kiss against the crown of her head.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks. "Or do you want to talk about like...anything else?"
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Date: 2017-05-16 09:53 am (UTC)"This is good," I whispered. This, here with Jack, with a dumb movie on and nothing else outside the bedroom. This was good.
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Date: 2017-05-16 03:21 pm (UTC)Jack nods, stroking her hair, keeping her curled in against him.
"You can always come and stay with us if you want to," he says. "Just for the night. I bet Dee would love it."
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Date: 2017-05-11 08:50 am (UTC)A quick motion to wrap the towel, and she stepped very quickly into the next room. It took a moment to actually spot Cass, since she wasn't at eye level.
"Whoa, whoa. What the hell? What's going on? This isn't like you at all."
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Date: 2017-05-12 08:24 pm (UTC)I tried to get control of myself. I didn't want Rachel to see me like this and worry. But I could barely get my legs under me to push myself back up. The Trinkets and the milk were still on the counter. Some of the milk had started to dribble over the edge of the counter and was tapping onto the floor. I stared at it like it would hypnotize me, but instead it blurred when tears filled my eyes.
"I'm okay," I lied, and it was such a bad lie, I didn't even know why I bothered saying it. Maybe I was trying to convince myself.
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Date: 2017-05-14 12:17 am (UTC)"That's horseshit and you know it. You know better than to try to fool me," she said, trying to be as calming and relaxed as possible. It wasn't all that easy, considering the situation.
"What's going on with you? You've been disappearing at random lately as well, but I haven't wanted to pry."
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Date: 2017-05-15 12:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-17 10:09 pm (UTC)"Gone? Like, completely gone? And he didn't even get to tell you? The city can do that?" she asked, incredulous, and yet not entirely surprised.
Without bothering to say anything, Rachel went forward and embraced her friend, a tight squeeze to prove that she, at least, was still there.
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Date: 2017-05-18 12:24 pm (UTC)"He always told me the city did it to him, with me," I explained. "I didn't think— I thought if it brought me back, maybe we were safe from it happening again?" My voice was wet and strained through my tears, and for a moment I allowed myself to just lean against her and accept her strength.
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Date: 2017-05-22 07:02 am (UTC)"Do you want to just go grab some milkshakes and have a movie night? That's how this is meant to work, isn't it?"
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Date: 2017-05-22 12:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 08:28 am (UTC)"But I know how to fix it. First, we clean up. Then we get dressed, properly, and then we find the nearest place that serves a mountain of pancakes."
If the determination to do something cheerful didn't shine through Rachel's voice, it showed in that she immediately began to wipe up the milk, shooing Pangur away in the process.
"Come on. Let's do it!" she said, grinning.
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Date: 2017-05-24 09:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-25 11:59 am (UTC)"So I'm thinking we grab a stack of pancakes each - or, even better, we just combine both into one megastack, like the Voltron of pancakes - and then we can just talk. I wish I'd had more time to get to know him, but you can tell me about Miles. Or we can talk about anything else! It's up to you."
She didn't bother with her usual routine of having a look at whether or not there was advice to give for Cassie's look. Today was not the day for it.
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Date: 2017-05-25 10:18 pm (UTC)I made sure to wash my face before we left, and one of us had our keys. If not, we could always morph our way under the door!
I didn't talk about Miles. I wasn't sure I could, not yet. So instead, I talked about some of the extra-credit work I was picking up to keep my mind occupied at school.
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Date: 2017-05-26 02:25 pm (UTC)Bit by bit, the pancakes were disappearing, and as they talked - with an extra order of milkshakes placed, because milkshakes were always the right choice - Rachel's worries began to subside. Even if the subject turned to school.
"You know, I'm still weirded out by the schoolwork here. History especially. I never know whether something from back home is also history here. It's so...annoying."
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Date: 2017-05-30 10:50 am (UTC)I paused, then frowned and laughed a little.
"God, that sounds so lame, even to me," I admitted. I actually wanted to study history? What a dweeb! But it felt good to laugh, even just a little.
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Date: 2017-06-02 10:11 am (UTC)