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[mynameiscassie]

Dated Apr 27, 2017

Things got weird. First there was that whole thing with the hatching demon creatures. Cliff was right, I realized. This city never did anything small or safe. Getting Rachel moved into my apartment was easy, and I was glad to have her here.

Especially now.

Miles was gone. I knew he was gone, because I'd been looking for him, almost frantically, using any morph I could think of that would help me find him: I tracked his scent in dog and wolf morphs. I scouted his bedroom window in osprey and owl morphs. I used my seagull morph to blend into the cityscape to try to find him going to or from Darrow High, or his job, or even some crime scenes.

I even went to the vampires that had kidnapped me and tried to see if they'd somehow gotten him, this time.

He was nowhere. He was gone.

Now I knew how he felt, because I'd disappeared on him before. This was awful. I felt like a part of me had been cut out and hidden somewhere that I couldn't find it. Was that dramatic? In my better moments, it felt dramatic. In my worst, alone in my bed at night, curled up and trying not to cry, it didn't feel dramatic enough.

It was always hard to tell when someone really went missing from this city, I realized as I poured Rachel and me bowls of Auspicious Trinkets — auspiciously delicious! — for breakfast. Jessica had given me Snowflake (given her back, technically), and she and Pangur were watching me from the corner of the counter. I was glad they got along so well, at least. I wondered how long Snowflake had noticed Miles was gone. But it had been three days since he missed our date, and I'd skipped school to try to find him, the way that he'd tried to find me when the vampires took me. So I knew he'd been gone at least three days. But what if it had been longer? How could I be sure? We didn't text every single day.

Was I a bad girlfriend?

I gasped when something cold splashed against my hand, and realized I'd just over-filled one of the cereal bowls and gotten milk everywhere.

Something inside my swelled and bubbled up my throat. At first, for a single heartbeat, I thought I was going to be sick.

Then I screamed "Fuck!" and slammed the milk on the counter, splashing more. Pangur and Snowflake scrabbled off the counter and under the coffee table in the living room, and I backed away from my mess like I could back away from my feelings. I didn't stop until my back hit the fridge, and then I sagged down, curling up on the floor.

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[mynameiscassie]

Crap.

I tried to get control of myself. I didn't want Rachel to see me like this and worry. But I could barely get my legs under me to push myself back up. The Trinkets and the milk were still on the counter. Some of the milk had started to dribble over the edge of the counter and was tapping onto the floor. I stared at it like it would hypnotize me, but instead it blurred when tears filled my eyes.

"I'm okay," I lied, and it was such a bad lie, I didn't even know why I bothered saying it. Maybe I was trying to convince myself.

[ursus_horribilis]

Rachel's immediate response is to shake her head, followed by taking Cassie's hand and trying to help her up.

"That's horseshit and you know it. You know better than to try to fool me," she said, trying to be as calming and relaxed as possible. It wasn't all that easy, considering the situation.

"What's going on with you? You've been disappearing at random lately as well, but I haven't wanted to pry."

[mynameiscassie]

"Miles is gone," I said. I wasn't sure she would hear me. My voice was so small, I wasn't even sure I'd said it aloud. But saying the words, making it real, was hard. I felt my chin wobble and I tried to hide my face. Miles was gone. The city had sent him home, the same way it had brought him here to begin with.

[ursus_horribilis]

The simplicity of the response was what stunned her, in the end. There wasn't any attempt to dress it up or explain it. Just the fact.

"Gone? Like, completely gone? And he didn't even get to tell you? The city can do that?" she asked, incredulous, and yet not entirely surprised.

Without bothering to say anything, Rachel went forward and embraced her friend, a tight squeeze to prove that she, at least, was still there.

[mynameiscassie]

"I—" I started, but then she was on me, hugging me in that fierce, tight way she has. I shuddered in her arms and felt tears slide hot down my cheeks. This wasn't fair. Rachel had just gotten here, I didn't need her worrying that I might vanish out from under her! But I couldn't get a hold of myself.

"He always told me the city did it to him, with me," I explained. "I didn't think— I thought if it brought me back, maybe we were safe from it happening again?" My voice was wet and strained through my tears, and for a moment I allowed myself to just lean against her and accept her strength.

[ursus_horribilis]

"Looks like this place is just about as bad as it seemed. I think we should just wreck it on principle," she said, only half-joking. How dare someone, or something, do this to Cass? If she hadn't already torn down some trees a while back, she'd be off to do it again.

"Do you want to just go grab some milkshakes and have a movie night? That's how this is meant to work, isn't it?"

[mynameiscassie]

I huffed a weak laugh and reached up to rub the tear tracks off my face. "No, it's okay," I insisted. "I'll be okay." I needed to be strong. I needed to make sure Rachel didn't think this was going to happen to her. "I . . . ruined our breakfast." The Trinkets were soggy, there was milk on the counter, and Pangur-Ban was happily lapping up some of the spilled milk from the floor beneath the counter.

[ursus_horribilis]

"You did, a little bit," she replied with somewhat of a laugh. There was something weirdly funny about the mundane problems that came from the abnormal ones.

"But I know how to fix it. First, we clean up. Then we get dressed, properly, and then we find the nearest place that serves a mountain of pancakes."

If the determination to do something cheerful didn't shine through Rachel's voice, it showed in that she immediately began to wipe up the milk, shooing Pangur away in the process.

"Come on. Let's do it!" she said, grinning.

[mynameiscassie]

My smile was wobbly, but it was there when Rachel used her usual Rachel fervor to try to cheer me up. "Okay," I said. I pushed myself up, scrubbing my face clean. I had milk on my hand still, so I washed them both, then my face, then took the bowls of ruined cereal to flush them down the toilet. It wasn't ideal, but at least the Trinkets wouldn't clog the sink.

[ursus_horribilis]

Between Cassie taking care of the cereal and Rachel wiping down the rest of the kitchen, things were looking a lot better already. Putting some clothes on didn't take all too long either; the day's outfit had already been planned during the shower and as such was not terribly difficult to throw together.

"So I'm thinking we grab a stack of pancakes each - or, even better, we just combine both into one megastack, like the Voltron of pancakes - and then we can just talk. I wish I'd had more time to get to know him, but you can tell me about Miles. Or we can talk about anything else! It's up to you."

She didn't bother with her usual routine of having a look at whether or not there was advice to give for Cassie's look. Today was not the day for it.

[mynameiscassie]

Getting out of the apartment was nice. Sure, I'd been doing a lot of that, anyway, but it was different with Rachel. I knew she'd make sure I didn't get too lost in my own head.

I made sure to wash my face before we left, and one of us had our keys. If not, we could always morph our way under the door!

I didn't talk about Miles. I wasn't sure I could, not yet. So instead, I talked about some of the extra-credit work I was picking up to keep my mind occupied at school.

[ursus_horribilis]

It was good to see the change in her demeanor. Not that the sudden disappearance of a boyfriend was going to just go away because of some pancakes, but Cass would get better, and nipping the sadness in the bud was clearly the right choice.

Bit by bit, the pancakes were disappearing, and as they talked - with an extra order of milkshakes placed, because milkshakes were always the right choice - Rachel's worries began to subside. Even if the subject turned to school.

"You know, I'm still weirded out by the schoolwork here. History especially. I never know whether something from back home is also history here. It's so...annoying."

[mynameiscassie]

"The history here is so weird," I agreed. "I sort of want to just rent a couple of history books from the library and try to compare to what I remember the history books from home saying."

I paused, then frowned and laughed a little.

"God, that sounds so lame, even to me," I admitted. I actually wanted to study history? What a dweeb! But it felt good to laugh, even just a little.

[ursus_horribilis]

"Maybe a little lame," Rachel said in response, trying to wolf down another pancake, "but it does actually sound interesting. I mean, what if they have George Oregon instead of George Washington? C'mon, it could be hilarious!"