(no subject)

[mynameiscassie]

Dated Apr 27, 2017

Things got weird. First there was that whole thing with the hatching demon creatures. Cliff was right, I realized. This city never did anything small or safe. Getting Rachel moved into my apartment was easy, and I was glad to have her here.

Especially now.

Miles was gone. I knew he was gone, because I'd been looking for him, almost frantically, using any morph I could think of that would help me find him: I tracked his scent in dog and wolf morphs. I scouted his bedroom window in osprey and owl morphs. I used my seagull morph to blend into the cityscape to try to find him going to or from Darrow High, or his job, or even some crime scenes.

I even went to the vampires that had kidnapped me and tried to see if they'd somehow gotten him, this time.

He was nowhere. He was gone.

Now I knew how he felt, because I'd disappeared on him before. This was awful. I felt like a part of me had been cut out and hidden somewhere that I couldn't find it. Was that dramatic? In my better moments, it felt dramatic. In my worst, alone in my bed at night, curled up and trying not to cry, it didn't feel dramatic enough.

It was always hard to tell when someone really went missing from this city, I realized as I poured Rachel and me bowls of Auspicious Trinkets — auspiciously delicious! — for breakfast. Jessica had given me Snowflake (given her back, technically), and she and Pangur were watching me from the corner of the counter. I was glad they got along so well, at least. I wondered how long Snowflake had noticed Miles was gone. But it had been three days since he missed our date, and I'd skipped school to try to find him, the way that he'd tried to find me when the vampires took me. So I knew he'd been gone at least three days. But what if it had been longer? How could I be sure? We didn't text every single day.

Was I a bad girlfriend?

I gasped when something cold splashed against my hand, and realized I'd just over-filled one of the cereal bowls and gotten milk everywhere.

Something inside my swelled and bubbled up my throat. At first, for a single heartbeat, I thought I was going to be sick.

Then I screamed "Fuck!" and slammed the milk on the counter, splashing more. Pangur and Snowflake scrabbled off the counter and under the coffee table in the living room, and I backed away from my mess like I could back away from my feelings. I didn't stop until my back hit the fridge, and then I sagged down, curling up on the floor.

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[mynameiscassie]

I didn't want to freak Rachel out by talking about how this city can make people disappear. I knew she'd find out, and find out about this, eventually, but I didn't want her to be afraid that I would disappear. So I'd texted Jack and tried to get myself under control.

There was no point in crying over spilled milk, right?

I pushed myself to my feet and opened the door.

"I think Rachel's still sleeping," I said. My voice wobbled, just a little, and I felt my chin follow suit.

[rockabillyboy]

"Baby, what's wrong?" asks Jack, stepping into the apartment and gently closing the door behind him before he pulls her into his arms, against his chest.

[mynameiscassie]

I probably would have been okay. But then he was holding me, and he was so sweet and gentle when he did, that something inside of me just . . . unclenched. I started crying, quietly weeping against his shoulder, fingers clinging to his shirt. I couldn't even bring myself to speak, not right away.

[rockabillyboy]

"Oh, hey. Cassie." Jack's arms tighten around her when she starts to cry and he frowns, resting his cheek against the top of her head. "Honey. What happened?"

His gut tightens. Someone has to be gone. It has to be something like that. It's always something like that around here.

[mynameiscassie]

"Miles," I finally managed, though my voice sounded more like a gasp. "I can't find him anywhere." I shook my head, shoulders shaking a little as new sobs wracked me. "His roommate brought Snowflake over . . . I've been looking for three days, I can't— His phone's disconnected, I—" I hated saying the words out loud. Like that made it real. I didn't want it to be real.

[rockabillyboy]

It's not Jack's style to tell lies, to say things that are easy just because they make things softer. He rests his cheek against Cassie's hair, and he rubs her back and he holds her tight.

"I'm sorry, Cassie," he says softly. "I'm really sorry. What do you need? What can I do?"

[mynameiscassie]

There wasn't anything he could do, was there? That was the worst part. Jack couldn't make the city give Miles back. All Jack could do was be there for me, and maybe that was all I really wanted, right then.

"I just—" I shook my head, trying to get the words out. "Don't want to be alone."

[rockabillyboy]

"You don't have to be," he says, softly. "I'm here. Poison and Jillie know where I am. You've got me, okay? I'm here. For whatever you need. C'mon. Let's go lie down."

[mynameiscassie]

I nodded, sniffling hard. "I need— I spilled my milk, I need to clean it up." And blow my nose. I was going to snot all over Jack if I wasn't careful.

[rockabillyboy]

"I'll do it," he says, gently. "Go get back in bed and I'll come in. We can watch a movie or something?"

[mynameiscassie]

I hesitated, feeling obligated to hide my mess from a guest, even if he was one of my best friends. But my runny nose got the best of me, and I went into the bathroom to clear it out and wash my face. Then I shuffled into my room and curled up on my bed. Snowflake and Pangur both joined me.

[rockabillyboy]

Jack cleans up the mess in the kitchen and then he slips his boots off and pads into Cassie's room. At first, he just perches on the edge of the bed. "Which movie do you want to watch?"

[mynameiscassie]

I wasn't sure. I wanted something that wouldn't make me think. I thought about Blue, when she'd come over when the Yeerks first showed up. She'd helped me find some mindless things to watch so I'd calm down, even though she hadn't known what was going on. I tried to remember a couple of the titles, and finally chose one, and told Jack.

[rockabillyboy]

Jack gets everything sorted with the movie and then he comes to sit back on the bed, legs drawn up, his hand resting lightly on Cassie's shoulder.

"You're going to be okay, Cas," he says, softly.

[mynameiscassie]

"I care about him so much," I admitted. I had a box of tissues next to my pillow, so I grabbed one and held it to my nose. "I just can't believe he's—" I swallowed hard and leaned into him. I was going to be okay. Jack was right.

He had to be right.

[rockabillyboy]

Jack tries really hard not to think about what will happen if he ever wakes up and finds Poison gone. He tries not to think about what will happen then. He shifts so that he can curl one arm around her shoulders, playing with the ends of her hair.

"You've just got to keep moving until you're through it, Cas."

[mynameiscassie]

I nodded, leaning into him. It was a comfort, feeling him playing with my hair, feeling his arm around me, like he was protecting me. It was nice. He was right. I had to keep moving until I was through it. I wasn't sure how to, though. Maybe it was silly to have such a reaction to his disappearance, but I'd grown very close with Miles. Maybe I even loved him.

Everything felt heavy, though. How was I supposed to keep moving when everything felt so heavy?

[rockabillyboy]

He can't really do anything other than be here for her, be solid, be present. He curls his fingers in her hair, drops a kiss against the crown of her head.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks. "Or do you want to talk about like...anything else?"

[mynameiscassie]

I shook my head. As far as Miles's disappearance went, I had no idea what to say. I was sad. I was angry. I felt like my heart was weighed down with bricks. But I had no words to make any of that better. And it felt wrong to talk about things Not Miles, like I'd be disrespecting him, somehow. I took a deep breath and sighed it out shakily.

"This is good," I whispered. This, here with Jack, with a dumb movie on and nothing else outside the bedroom. This was good.

[rockabillyboy]

Jack nods, stroking her hair, keeping her curled in against him.

"You can always come and stay with us if you want to," he says. "Just for the night. I bet Dee would love it."